The Sacred and Profane

     In this brave, new world of cyber space, hacking and all-out cyber war, the ground is constantly shifting under us. It would be terrifying, if we allowed ourselves to stop and think of the implications. Today's news is a perfect example with the Chinese hacking into U.S. defense sites, and grabbing secret weaponry schematics.

     Aside from cyber spying and war, how do you feel about the telecommunications era? Some exceptionally well educated seniors decline to participate. They do not 'keep up' with family or friends on Facebook, or other social media. If you wish to interact with these recalcitrant elders, you'd better hope they are available, when you call (they do not carry cell phones.) Don't call, if you cannot take the trouble to make face time.  

     Nor, do these throwbacks consider it an inconvenience to expect and to reciprocate personal gestures. Neither do they make a career of dodging discomfort, because tricky, sensitive, dialog is part of life and learning.

     I'm also inspired to say these reluctant dragons are too shy, too sensible, to engage in (or expose themselves to) the raw sewage that regularly confronts Internet users. The rules of civility, you see, are too important to abandon, except in cyberspace. I know it is possible to defend one's privacy on the Internet ... not so much, however, on social media. Nonetheless I look on social media as phenomenally powerful tools for good, some of the time! On the other hand certain subjects are sacred, certain expressions, taboo.

     I am sickened, as well, by the sheer numbers of encounters with actual (as opposed to ideological) sharks swimming in the cyber pool. Ironically the free e-mail is extremely effective at screening spam and scam messages. The other, however, the so-called junk folder with every conceivable sort of intruder. Maybe it has served to make me more alert, but it is disheartening.

     Would we Internet users stop using the Worldwide Web, stop publishing, stop responding? It seems unlikely we'd willingly  accept the limitations of such a decision. Maybe with passing generations, humans will learn to honor the privacy and boundaries of others online. Meanwhile I believe we teach people how to treat us, plus we always have the Delete, Block and time-honored Off buttons.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -Noel Coward

   Denver is cool this morning, brilliant with sun, ripe with promise. So I'm declaring today Dog Day at Washington Park.

Redo, Please!

Guarding His Territory

Don't we all wish for a redo, sometimes? Redos are elusive at best, dear reader! My younger daughter put it this way, speaking of verbal diatribes: "Once the  toad comes out of your mouth, it's out. No amount of effort will get it back down your throat." 

Part of aging is we've learned more lessons than we recall. Nothing is lost of who we are and what we've learned, but we may have tucked it away. I've forgotten what I long ago learned about myself and money. Tired of working with a debit card and cash, I opened a bank account, and applied for an ATM card. It was a kind of benchmark revisited, a sort of a rite of passage. (I"not likely to buy an new house or car, before reaching my end game, so I'll settle for small victories.)

     -Just one problem. I forgot those things we call fees and how a tiny problem can grow into a Medusa in no time flat. Soon, my inattention, it appeared, was going to cost me a bundle, or compel me to pay my dues, and head for the door post haste. I e-mailed a daughter, telling the story of my peccadillo, now looming over my head, larger than life. 

       Don't do this. I don't recommend it. I received a chilly reply, alluding to my not liking people "up in my business." One daughter had reminded the other, who was now reminding me, of the content of my character, not to say my personal demons. 

Everything he had ever done that had been better left undone. Every lie he had told — told to himself, or told to others. Every little hurt, and all the great hurts. Each one was pulled out of him, detail by detail, inch by inch. The demon stripped away the cover of forgetfulness, stripped everything down to truth, and it hurt more than anything. ― Neil Gaiman, "Fragile Things"

   
     My guess is your parent or grandparent wants to wear big people underwear. The trouble is, we don't always use big people words, to negotiate with adult family members. We end up looking childish, while demanding to be honored and sage. 

    I absolutely do not know how to keep the balance in relationships, the one between helping and counseling too much and not enough. Or, not asking at all, and asking too much. (My own parents modeled the latter; they were orphans with no-one to ask. They grew up feisty and tenacious, each of them an example of self-made success. I grew up not having to ask for anything, a child with every material thing.) 

      I also find I do not any longer know how to muster the energy to consistently lead from strength. My negotiation skills are intact, so the issue with my bank has been resolved ... I know a good redo, when I get it. I also know I will not easily come by a means to make amends for being Our Lady of Perpetual Defiance.  

     My best advice, which none of you will heed, is never use a Howitzer, when a pea shooter will do.

Not All "In Your Head"

This post is not just for women, but it addresses a women's issue, a pain "gender gap." This will come as no surprise to most women. At any given time, approximately one in four Americans suffers chronic pain. Women, however, are at much greater risk for developing  conditions involving chronic pain. Diseases, such as multiple sclerosis and rheumatoid arthritis, strike women at least twice as often as men (in the case of rheumatoid arthritis, closer to three times as often.) Chronic fatigue syndrom affects four times more women than men. Three times more patients suffering autoimmune diseases associated with extreme pain are female. Fibromyalgia, in addition to being poorly understood, is nine times more prevalent in women.      

     What, besides the incidence of painful conditions, is bad news for women? Clearly, addressing pain in women would not be the same as addressing pain in men ... right? We weigh less and have smaller frames and organs than men. We have a different body fat ratio. Our hormones, besides operating differently from those of men, operate cyclicly. There are differences in the female gene expression. Why point all of this out? After all, most of it is well-established science! Simply put, it translates to side effects and the efficacy of drugs. In spite of legislation meant to include women equally with men in drug studies, too often, it does not happen. In addition there is a substantial delay between the publication of results and changes in what is prescribed for women. In some cases the side effects women experience are lethal.

      A separate problem is the attitude of medical providers (yes, even women) toward female patients. A 2011 study by the Institute of Medicine found that, not only are women more likely to suffer from pain, when they report pain, their complaints are more likely to be dismissed. So, if you think you don't listen to your body, your doctor may not be listening, either. Indeed your physician and his medical staff may be biased. Here is a link to an excellent article from the "New York Times Sunday Review" by a woman who has experienced long-term, chronic pain:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/opinion/sunday/women-and-the-treatment-of-pain.html?pagewanted=all

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.  -Walter Anderson

     For those who battle chronic pain, there are meetup groups in many U.S. cities, as well as courses to take. Excellent pain management programs are available from a variety of publishers. In addition, this is an area, in which pain management methods, such as acupressure, acupuncture, massage, meditation, and Yoga, sometimes characterized as "alternative," are highly effective. A Yoga program can be tailored to specific injuries or ailments. People who suffer from osteoarthritis often find relief from alternating applications of hot and cold compresses, in addition to hydrotherapy and exercise programs, like aquatic aerobics. There are also diets to address chronic inflammatory conditions. 

Sounds True is a good resource for alternative pain management publications. Some are on cd or dvd. I have found these programs very helpful. Pain has changed me, personally, in positive ways. It has also made living day-to-day infinitely more difficult. Living with and managing chronic pain is an unrelenting challenge. As the experiences of others may lead to helpful insights and referrals, I recommend finding a support group. Many U.S. cities have meetup groups, specifically for people suffering from chronic pain. Here is a link to some of these: 

chronicpain.meetup.com/cities/us

Unconventional

It is 1:25 in the morning. I'm up, awake and, well, writing. The Yogi Tea hasn't kicked in, and my heart is heavy. I've taken some knocks today, not the first time in my life, nor, assuredly the last. How's your belief system? Is it conventional, or not? More pertinent, with regard to taking it on the chin, is it the belief system of the people closest to you? No need to answer. As one of my teachers once said, we are not obliged to answer questions of the soul.

While I'm not carrying around a copy of Mary Baker Eddy's "Science And Health With Key To The Scriptures," or daily in a Christian Science Reading Room, I can't bring myself to believe in disease the way most of my friends and family believe in disease. From my childhood experiences, in and out of the context of Christian Science, I cannot give into what I perceive as error. On the other hand, when my children were young, I took them to a board certified pediatrician. I'd be the first to appear at the door of the E.R., after being injured in some disaster or other. Well ... maybe not the first.

That so few now dare to be eccentric, marks the chief danger of the time.  -John Stuart Mill

     Here's the thing. I cannot argue with anyone over my refusal to go and get the baseline tests for diseases I don't believe in by people I don't trust in a system that has nothing to offer. A family member has characterized that as "irresponsible." I accepted the label, because I can never change her mind. She respects Western medicine, allopathic medicine. 
     We are also reaching impasse concerning my housing arrangements. Without going into detail, I'll just say that, for a lifetime, I do not believe in the segregation of the elderly into community housing exclusively for people our age. I am appalled by our view of aging and the aged culture ... in Western culture. The issue in my family has become whether I will move back into "senior housing," to be closer to a certain contingent of my family. All I can say is, I wish I could see it as a move forward, rather than a move back to that which is so distasteful to me. I do not believe in poverty housing, either; the entire notion of marginalizing people sickens me.

     So ... how's by you? I'm pretty sure there are other elders out there, who, like me, cannot fathom or follow conventional thinking. Meanwhile, my job seems to be to lead myself, where others do not venture. 

A New World of Working Dogs

SERVICE DOGS, ONE AND ALL

     The world is rapidly changing, as are the numbers, breeds and roles of service dogs. Many seniors are deriving benefits from acquiring service animals. This post deals with dogs, specifically. In spite of public awareness of the Americans With Disabilities Act, there is a great deal of misinformation and misunderstanding regarding disability, service dogs and the law. Did you know, for example, service dogs help anorexics, people with traumatic brain injuries, post traumatic stress sufferers?
     From the taxi driver, who refuses to permit a passenger with her service dog to ride in his cab, to the local coffee shop owner, terrified to incur a fine from the local Health Inspector, people deny access to the disabled. It is humiliating for the disabled individual. More important, it is illegal. 
     The role of a service dog handlers is to keep assertive, keep educating people. It is a difficult, day-to-day challenge. Here is a helpful link concerning the issue of being denied access with your service dog:  http://www.petpartners.org/page.aspx?pid=488

There are excellent online resources, including the ADA, and on social media. I recommend Finnegan McNeil's fan page on Facebook, as an excellent resource and the 'friends' of Finnegan McNeil as a support community. (Finnegan, by the way, is a spokesdog for all service dogs, but is a small breed, a handsome miniature Brown Schnauser!)

Adapt yourself to the things among which your lot has been cast and love sincerely the fellow creatures with whom destiny has ordained that you shall live.  -Marcus Aurelius

     Although how it is possible, I cannot say, many people have the notion that a service dog is a guide dog. It is a shepherd or retriever, always in a leather harness, always with an identifying vest; it is not a miniature or a giant breed, not a dog trained to alert it's handler, when medication is needed, bring a cell phone, or perform any of hundreds of assistive roles. Just to dispel another breed myth, pit bulls make excellent service dogs. 
     If a dog is a small-breed service dog, from experience, scores of people and their offspring want to touch the dog. If the dog is an unusually large dog, people who are not frightened of the dog are challenging the owner to 'prove' it is a service dog. So the dog and handler must be steady, absolutely calm and confident. Ignorant people, though, are not the only people who cause us worry. There are always the hateful, fearful, angry people. One individual on public transport recently threatened to break my dog's neck, if the dog came "anywhere near." This was in reference to an eleven-pound dog.

     Business people have an obligation to learn and abide by the provisions of the ADA.  On a purely practical level, those who would deny disabled handlers and their dogs, even citing local authorities or statutes, rarely prevail in court. It is an unappealing consequence to lose. In addition, in extreme cases, businesses can find themselves with 'bad press,' boycotts or picketing. It may not happen often, and it is never good to threaten such actions, but it can become a problem.

      Everyone responds better to a civil approach. One or two things you may need to know, however, if you are a dog handler. Don't feel obliged, in any way, because you are not obliged to discuss or reveal your health conditions. You are entitled to say, the dog is an assistance animal, not a companion. If someone asks what the dog does for you, it is fine to assert yourself, "I choose not to discuss my health history. I have said the dog assists me." There is no burden of proof on your part. In addition, although you may want to register your dog, you do not have to carry a registration, nor does your dog have to have a special tag. Registration costs nothing. 

     It is a good thing to have the appropriate vest, and/or an orange leash with the words service dog, clearly printed thereon. Personally, I also carry a copy of the ADA regulations and an excerpt from my state's statutes pertaining to access for service dogs and handlers.

     It is acceptable to treat a service dog or puppy in training as a service dog, provided training is in progress, and the animal is well-behaved. Good citizenship is never optional, not on the part of handler or dog. Misrepresenting or faking disability, failing to ensure the dog is in excellent condition, failing to clean up after the dog, permitting aggressive behaviors on part of a service dog ... all take away from the disabled community and endanger the public.  

     Find out more about reasonable accommodations for companion animals and service animals in housing by accessing HUD and public housing authority sites. Find out more about the changing roles of service dogs, and how to acquire a service dog:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Service_dog and http://herizenfyre-ivil.tripod.com/helperdogs/id4.html 

Remember, the responsibility of a handler is a heavy one, and ensure your service dog gets excellent nutrition, vet care, quality time, plenty of fresh air and sunshine, time off for fun ... give your dog all the things that make life worthwhile for both of you.