Whew! We're truly never to old to learn from our mistakes. Have you ever poured yourself into a relationship, only to regret you made the investment? People manipulate, often un-consciously. It is part of being human. On the other hand, if one day, you realize you are subject to repeated emotional blackmail, you may have missed the warning signs. Extract yourself expediently, and don't look back. The emotional extortionist hones manipulation to an art form. Here are some indications you are dealing with and, quite possibly, empowering, your puppeteer.
We are speaking of an individual who does not merely want you to do and say what he/she wants and expects. This is about he or she "who must be obeyed." Do you have the feeling nothing is about you; the planet orbits around your demanding other? Fail to comply, and the issue ceases to concern right or wrong; you are loved, if you do, damned, if you don't.
The Half Apology
An extortionist rules by guilt, even while offering a half-apology. Mr. X says, "I am sorry, I had such a brutal day at work;" in one way or another, he's unwell, exhausted, ill, hurting, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. You get the point. If you nail him for his ugly outburst, it is "Shame on you. I was suffering!" It isn't Mr. X; it is your expectation of self-control that is in error.
Forget the apology. Of course it is neither heartfelt, nor unconditional. So what is the answer to this? Be clear. Tell Mr. X you aren't buying what he's selling, and you are entitled to a sincere apology. Consistently let someone who deals in what I call the migraine excuse that ill health and pain are commonplace events. Other people suffer from one thing or another, but do not use any level of pain to excuse outright abuse of others. I have been known to point out that "I am sorry," even in a contrite manner, cannot excuse saying and doing certain things." Once out, you cannot put a toad back in your mouth.
Zero Accountability
An extortionist is rarely accountable for his/her actions. Any misbehavior is generally followed by, "If you hadn't done what you did (or said what you said,) I would not have acted as I did: "You made me do it." The message is obvious; you are the guilty party. Do not take on the guilt, not even subconsciously. Call the individual to account for his actions, make it clear and consistent. Have as a rule of thumb that no-one can make another person do what he would not do.
Selective or No Memory
The extortionist often disclaims any recollection of his or her statements. "I did not say that." "I don't recall saying anything like that." "I would never say such a thing." "What I said was just the opposite." Ms. Y promises to have her completed project on your desk by 8:00 in the morning. She procrastinated right to the very end, and the pressure is on her to perform. The next morning, 8:00, 9:00, 9:30 pass, but the project does not appear. Ah, but, it is you who has a bad memory. Again shame, shame on you! By the way, if you have no witnesses or material evidence, Ms. Y walks, leaving you to hold the bag for the missed deadline. Lesson learned: Make this extremely difficult for Ms. Y to repeat. Document, document, document -- write things down immediately, date and time them, put them in a timeline.
The Wages of Sin
An extortionist makes you pay, in addition to eroding your credibility with others by maligning you. The wages of emotional extortion are guilt. A master manipulator, close or not, has a mystical ability to perceive your guilt triggers. Given a chance, he or she will reduce you to a puddle of melted, watery gelatine. Never say, "I am sorry you feel this way," or words to that effect. Point out that, for example, your abuse of their generosity and friendship, is the other person's perception. It is also something you intend to discuss no further. Make it clear you will not take on the onus of false accusation. If you are feeling generous tell your accuser, you hope he/she will come to a different conclusion or understanding. If not, "Belay it," is good enough. As for your own character, or soul, the contents are between you and God.
A note to anyone who lives daily with a passive-aggressive partner or family member: Statements such as, "Don't worry about me! If you prefer the company of your friends, go ahead and spend the evening with them," my standard reply was ever the same. "Dinner is in the oven, enjoy! Have a good evening." In other words, I am not worried about you. I am doing as I choose, and I am doing it free of guilt or remorse.
Comin' In From Behind
Moaning, barely audible utterances, eye rolls, death-ray looks, door-slamming, head slapping... all of these and more, are in the passive aggressive repertoire. It is all back-of-the-house, rather than front-of-the-house. There is no such thing as direct eye contact or a forthright statement. The passive aggressive does not have the courage to be up front. A direct attack, if it does occur, is for dramatic effect; the attacker hopes it will prompt solicitous reactions. "Are you okay," we ask. Can I do anything for you? Soon you are seen as the aggressor.
If an extortionist manages to provoke you, and you lose control, you are officially in his corner. He is the one in control. As difficult as it may be, try not to flip your lid. Take a minute, and compose yourself.
If all else fails, some extortionists won't stop at scaring the bejesus out of you. So long as they can shock you and/or onlookers, nothing is off the table. I got a call at dawn this morning, from a tearful, nearly hysterical sister. "My brother threatened to kill himself. I called 911. Could you check, to see whether the dispatcher sent anyone... more tears. I was not the person to call. I said, "-Suicide? I'll believe it, when I see it, and, "I can hear the commotion as we speak, so the EMTs are here." She rang off, to call someone to do something. Her brother is fine. She may never be the same again, but her brother is fine.
Incensed and Incendiary
Make no mistake, wheedling, adult tantrums, guilting ... are no challenge for a true extortionist. The ultimate weapon is rage. When I said, recently, I see no need for me to have further involvement in this matter, what came back was ugly. It began innocently enough with a "How dare you," but descended into name calling and maligning my character ... at a glass shattering pitch. This was followed by a blitzkrieg of vulgar name-calling. And, of course, my statement of disinterest in getting involved in an ongoing conflagration, which did not involve me, ended up as "forbidding" the extortionist to speak to me. Nor will an emotional blackmailer stop with attacking you directly; he/she will go everywhere to everyone who will listen.
Threats of physical violence are another matter. Walk away, unless you happen to be currently a martial arts master, even then, walk away. Get rapidly into self-protection mode, and report the problem immediately. If, this time, no damage was done, an attack was launched on someone's person.
Mind Yourself
Mind your own emotional wellbeing; it is every bit as important as physical safety. Have you always suffered shaky self-esteem, or are you always appeasing others? How badly do you really need to be needed? Have a long think about how you interact with others, and whether you invite manipulation. Seek professional help or coaching, if need be. Absolutely do not spend a single sleepless night over the speech or actions of emotional extortionists.
