The Unkindest Cut of All

It is utterly false and cruelly arbitrary to put all the play and learning into childhood, all the work into middle age, and all the regrets into old age. Margaret Mead

This lovely lady and her dog, no matter how one feels about the elderly driving, are out and about ... together. The pup looks appropriately alarmed. Where are their peeps? Who knows?

     When I lived among much older residents of Miami Beach, so many were so alone; if the time had come to stop driving, nobody was going to accompany them, take them out for a coffee, see they got home safely. One of my neighbors became disoriented, while driving. She and her car ended up in the swimming pool. 

     Later in Denver's senior housing, I saw more than simple abandonment. I played ball with my little dog out on the lawn, while families dropped their elderly into the laps of people who neglected and exploited them. A daughter or son in middle age, would arrive, unload an elder and his/her furniture and possessions, help to buy the first round of groceries for the new apartment, pull away from the curb, rarely, if ever, return.  

     One woman's daughter kept getting pulled back by the police, who were tired of talking her lost mother into their cars and taking her home. One man stopped to see his mother, after she'd started a fire in her apartment with an old toaster oven. The toaster oven vanished, and the lady began to eat her meals out of her freezer. The manager and the lady's neighbors waited patiently, until she had to transfer to assisted care, then, stole her china, silver flatware, crystal and picture frames. Oh, and, of course, the remains of her groceries.

     Elders don't need anyone to hover, not even if we are in extremis! We don't need sympathy, even when we are hurt or hurting. A phone call once in a while,  just to say hello, a cup of coffee or lunch out, a movie once a month ... would be terrific! Better yet, empower an elder to learn new things, to explore or to work at a paid or volunteer job. By all means, if an elder family member or friend helps with a project, house sitting, child or dog sitting, or shares expertise, offer to pay. One of the worst assumptions is that, because we are older, we don't need to be compensated in cash, or in kind for work we do.

     One of my neighbors calls me, when she's going shopping. She doesn't ask whether I need this or that. She asks, wouldn't I like to go shopping. I love that she thinks it's fun to have me along. The smallest things make seniors happy ... an elderly neighbor of mine at Higgins Plaza was thrilled, when I brought her an extra sandwich, fruit and chips from an event I'd attended. It cost me nothing, nada, zip, zilch. 

     I have a friend, who has taken a position with an organization dedicated help people stay independent, well and in their homes. What about the money, did you ask? Yes, the service costs money, but, maybe it can serve as a model for what non-profit organizations can do to improve the quality of life of elders, and how to go about helping people achieve more and more, not less and less, independence. Of course, there are limits, but even someone suffering from dementia needs the right kind of help at the right time. We all need dignity and unconditional loving.

Show some love, but know that it isn't the same thing as charity.