Right Fighting

The human tragedy is seeing fluid reality as static. We reach for that which is solid and, as we grasp it, the solid object is in decay. Change is upon us, and great conflict comes, when we do not embrace it, or  drag our feet, rather than adapt. This wisdom I am sharing, because I'm no better at embracing or adapting to change than most of my family or friends. Nor, am I great at conflict resolution; the urge to fight or to flee, equally powerful, always get in the way. 

Passion and strife bow down the mind. -Virgil

Still reeling from a miserable week of unexpected conflict and confrontation, I retrieved some useful knowledge from a PBS broadcast. 

Techniques for Conflict Resolution
• Behavioral Techniques
o Don’t negotiate when angry.
o Forget the past and stay in the present.
o Focus on the problem not the person.
o Communicate feelings assertively, NOT aggressively. Express
concerns without blaming the other side.
o Expect and accept another’s right to disagree. Don’t push or
force compliance; work to develop common agreement.
o Don’t view the situation as a competition where one has to win
and the other has to lose. Work toward a solution where both
parties have some of their needs met.
o Build‘powerwith’ NOT ‘powerover’others. 
o Thank the person for listening.
• Negotiation Techniques
o Identify and define the conflict in specific terms.
o Focus on areas of common interest and potential areas for
agreement.
o NEVER jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what
another is feeling or thinking.
o Listen without interrupting; ask for feedback if needed to assure
a clear understanding of the issue.
o Generate alternative solutions.
o Discuss the pros and cons of the alternatives. Listen as well as
state your case.
o Select the best course of action that all can agree upon.
o Implement only the parts of the plan that are in agreement.
Remember, when only one person’s needs are satisfied in a
conflict, it is NOT resolved and will continue.
o Follow-up to evaluate the effectiveness of the plan and make
any adjustments necessary. 

First it is good to know you are in conflict or providing an irritant, not to be blindsided.  My lessons from last week are: sharing information is the same as giving gratuitous advice. Relax deeply, before responding to a surprise attack. For a lifetime, this is the hardest thing for me to do.

If a friend or family member telephones or drops in, to say he or she is suffering, just listen and say, "I love you." Then, however you say goodbye, say it kindly, but say it. If you fail in this part of the mission, keep the conflict resolution methods handy, and read before speaking.

I would not offer you advice, though, my friend.