Outsource This!

Think you've suffered the nightmares of the damned with foreign call centers? Oh I do not mean to offend you in any way. I know you're a veteran of outsourced Customer Service! After all do you not have a year-long relationship with Sengupta (or some other Gupta) in India's Call Center Hell? What's that you say? You've taught him better than to put your call on speaker, calling a halt to the laughter and scorn of Gupta and his co-workers over your technical challenges. Buckle up, baby! This is going to be a rough ride. You are about to meet ... bum, bah, bum, bum, Tammy, the American Call Center Queen. 

In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity. ~Hunter S. Thompson

Mistakenly I telephoned my Insurance Company to ask a couple of questions about the status of a claim. On the Insurer's website, there is an instruction to call a certain number, after hours or on the weekend; there was nothing about being flat unable to reach a living human. My Claims Adjuster was unavailable, and not returning my calls. So I called the after-hours number, and spoke with a gum-smacking, soda gulping nitwit, named Shana, explaining that I had questions for Ms. Adjuster. Shana cut me off mid-sentence. She said it would be best if she "researched" my account, rather than listen to my concerns. Shana returned, declaring, "The woman you have been speaking to is not an Adjuster for the Company, and had no authority to make recommendations. She went on.  "Ms. Adjuster was not IN ANY WAY, authorized to act on your behalf." She ended by saying no-one was so authorized, and no-one was available to take the call in Ms. Adjuster's stead.

Having instantly stepped down the rabbit hole, I responded as best I could. "I cannot imagine why an Insurance professional would overstep her boundaries in this manner. Why would she? Shana simply repeated her stand, so I asked to speak with a supervisor or manager in Claims Adjusting. "Dear, I am a supervisor in that department, and I am telling you, Ms. Adjuster has no authority. Anyway, smoch, smoch, Ms. Adjuster is on vacation for another 7 weeks. You won't be able to reach her, until..." Your issue will just have to wait. 

I started to get hot. "This is egregious," I said. Shana paused, seeming not to know how to respond. I went on, "I will find a decision maker. I will find a regulatory agency. When I do, I intend to file formal complaints." I wished Shana and her wad of gum a good day, and rang off. A few minutes passed, when Shana's alter ego, Tammy, entered the picture. Tammy spoke to my voicemail (oddly enough, sounding exactly like Shana, gum and all.) She wanted to apologize, and said she was the person with whom I had been speaking. At this point I began to laugh, thinking of Lily Tomlin's Ernestine.

Tammy said she had reviewed my file (evidently, within minutes.) She owned she had been mistaken about Ms. Adjuster, who did have the authority to do what she had assured me she had done. Tammy alleged she had mistaken the Adjuster's name for the name of someone else on the staff. That would mean, of course, she was not a supervisor in Claims Adjustment. She reiterated that Ms. Adjuster would be unavailable for more than a month and a half. Tammy had no idea how angry an angry bird can be. I saved the voice mail, and the record of my first phone call to the company. I e-mailed Board member, documented the incident, and requested his immediate action.

Not long afterward I received a personal call from a Vice President of the Company, who apologized to my voicemail at length. People talk to my Android a lot, these days. Then I got a call from Claims Adjustment, stating my matter was resolved. I'd receive a letter confirming this, within (now) a few days. I mentioned to the Vice President that I expected the Board member to man up, and apologize himself. Together we reviewed what had been said and done. Shana/Tammy, it seems, were Call Center Girls, not IN ANY WAY authorized to speak or act for anyone in the Insurance Company. Hysterical.

My call was mishandled by one or more employees of a call outsourcing outfit in the United States. All I can say is, if you plan to outsource anywhere, be careful! Be sure your organization is as big as Texas and not under water, so you can incur dislike and contempt with impunity. If your organization is not for profit, try to remember, you rely upon both client satisfaction and donations to stay alive long enough to serve anyone!

Cheap is virtually never good. Really, would you want Susan or Tammy to represent your company, even indirectly? Outsourcing may be one of the lamest ideas, since the dawn of time.