Now I'm an old Christmas tree, the roots of which have died. They just come along and while the little needles fall off me replace them with medallions. Orson Welles
For the elderly, or those of us who are getting there, this has to be the toughest season. Some of us will have suffered great loss in 2012; the loss of friends and loved ones is accelerated, reminiscent of a fifty-year or one hundred year storm. Many will find ourselves more vulnerable to the elements, crowds, traffic, pleas from charities, scams and rips offs. That's before the obligatory family celebration. It is a given. Someone will choose the family celebration to go on a political rant, evangelize, pick a bone or just behave like a prat.
Elder veterans of family events are not all jaded, but we are often mis-understood. I've personally been chastened for seeming 'manic' at festive family gatherings. It resulted in, not so much an explanation from me, as a retort. So, without further ado, here are tips for the family, and for you.
First, ask, rather than tell. (If you aren't genuine in your concern, don't ask, either.) Offer some comfort and reassurance without hovering. Maybe Dad or Mom would just like a sit down with a couple of fingers of good brandy. Maybe it took all the stamina (emotionally and physically) your elder had, just to get to the party. Once the coffee or pain killer, or both, wears out, there may be a bit of a downswing. -Don't give it more weight than it deserves.
Second, if an elder family member suffers from a degenerative disease, chronic or acute pain, this wouldn't be the time to talk about why or how the condition developed or how it is devolving. "Your Aunt Georgia had a toe amputation in September. I think it would help you." Or, another of my favorites, "Maybe, if you'd taken better care of yourself (your teeth, your feet, your nutrition, your cuticles) this would not have happened." How could this be relevant? With regard to my arthritic joints, I'll gladly pledge to faithfully drink my milk and lose my fear of the dentist's chair, but it'll have to wait for another incarnation. In that incarnation I also pledge not to beat the hell out of my knees competing in a sport.
Look, this is also a good rule to apply to younger people with chronic ailments. Condemnation is almost as bad as fawning over someone. Ninety-nine percent of the time it is medically erroneous, as well. It's a little like saying, "Oh, no, you stepped on a crack, and, now, your mother has spondylosis."
Please, if you are entertaining an elder on an occasion, this isn't the time to issue reminders about diet, drinking, smoking ... just let it be. You're probably not speeding the grandparent along toward the grave. Don't reminisce, either, about the Christmas the dog died and Grandmother was found sitting in the living room stark naked. Face it. There must be better topics, and, maybe a quiet reading from a beloved book would be better than a walk down memory lane.
Yep, family is family.
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